Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
