where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
