I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
