there's paper in my vomit.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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