Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
