She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the condom got lost in my hair
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
