I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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