Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Houston, we have a squirter
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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