I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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