My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
