oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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