Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
