TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
