I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
