There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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