I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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