the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
