I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're a waste of cheezeits
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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