the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
