what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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