I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mom said you looked used
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
