Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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