if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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