When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
