so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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