I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
