sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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