My cat gives me a boner
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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