I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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