I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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