I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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