I smell stomach acid.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
