have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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