Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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