i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
