I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
