Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
