woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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