I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
