Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
