I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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