Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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