It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
