I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm like, not good at living.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
