i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
