Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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