theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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