Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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