I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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