If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
