there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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