i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
