i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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