Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
