I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
