k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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