he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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