i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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