not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
