Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
