I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
