hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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